Placenta Ovaries

November Reviews 2

11/6

The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit (1998, Stuart Gordon, VHS) - 7.5
Five guys of roughly the same size each contribute to the purchase of a snazzy white suit, and then take turns wearing it out, and it brings them all luck. Pretty good. Very sweet and likable.

Nekromantik (Rewatch, 1987, Jörg Buttgereit, Projected DVD) - 9.0
A guy brings home a corpse for him and his girlfriend to have sex with, and they do a lot of that, but then she leaves him (taking the corpse with her) after he gets fired from his job. The movie’s a bit too slow and artsy to be as amazing as it should be, but there’s a whole lot of super gross stuff, and gore, and the music is fucking great, and it’s all about necrophilia, so it’s basically impossible not to love. The ending is fantastic as well.

11/8

Waxwork (1988, Anthony Hickox, DVD) - 8.5
Some teens visit a mysterious wax museum that appeared out of nowhere, and find themselves trapped within the depicted scenes and then killed, becoming part of the display themselves. Two of them escape and try to find out what the deal is with that place. Very entertaining, with some good bloody stuff.

11/10

Tamara Drewe (2010, Stephen Frears, 35mm, Opera Plaza) - 5.0
Tamara Drewe (Gemma Arteton) returns to her country home to sell her mother’s house, which is next to a writers’ retreat, and some people sleep with each other, and there’s a rock star around, and a couple of bored teen girls. There’s nothing not to like about it, but nothing, for me, to like about it, either. It was just kinda there. I’m sure it’s a perfectly good movie, but I gained nothing from seeing it.

11/11

Fortress (Rewatch, 1992, Stuart Gordon, Projected DVD) - 10.0
Christopher Lambert and his wife are trying to sneak across the border because she’s pregnant with their second child and that’s illegal in the future, even if your first-born dies, and they get caught and sent to future-prison, led by warden Kurtwood Smith. In future-prison, the inmates are controlled by “intestinators”, small devices in their intestinal system that can cause immense pain, or explode and kill the host. But Lambert, with the help of his cellmates, is determined to get out, saving his wife along the way (who Kurtwood has developed feelings for). It’s very violent and smart and fun, and just incredibly well put together. This is one of my favorite sci-fi movies ever. Stuart Gordon is fucking amazing.

11/12

Four Lions (2010, Christopher Morris, 35mm, Lumiere) - 7.5
Four Islamic, British terrorists are trying to figure out where to strike, but they’re mostly idiots, and they get into all kinds of mishaps and misadventures. I didn’t find it particularly hilarious, but I liked the concept a lot, and there were a few outstanding moments, like the scene with the crow, and the costumes they wear to cover up the bombs they’ve attached to themselves.

TV
11/7

Childrens' Hospital Seasons 1 & 2 (Rob Corddry/Jonathan Stern/David Wain, Adult Swim) - 9.0
Hilarious show with a lot of great comedians playing the fuck-up staff of a children’s hospital.

11/9

Tiny Toons' Night Ghoulery (1995, Rich Arons/Michael Gerard/Rusty Mills/Greg Reyna, Youtube) - 9.0
Tiny Toons Halloween special with multiple stories spoofing Frankenstein, Twilight Zone, and even Spielberg’s Duel. Really funny and great.

October Reviews 4

10/25

Basket Case 3 (1992, Frank Henenlotter, DVD) - 9.0
The deformed Belial’s deformed girlfriend gives birth to a bunch of deformed babies. The babies are stolen by a couple corrupt cops, and so Granny Ruth gathers up the freaks to take revenge. Still lacks the gore and squalor of the original, but this one really makes up for it in insanity. A bewildering great time, with an amazing scene on a bus with all the freaks singing about Personality.

10/27

From Beyond (Rewatch, 1986, Stuart Gordon, DVD) - 9.5
Jeffrey Combs is a scientist's assistant, and they are working on a device that stimulates the pineal gland, and allows them to see, and become severely affected by, creatures from another dimension. The main scientist is taken to this other world, and Jeffrey Combs is put into a mental institution. Another scientist (Barbara Crampton looking fucking amazing in huge glasses) is intrigued by these experiments, and she takes Combs back to the house with a police escort (Ken Foree). Crampton becomes obsessed with the pineal-stimulator, and things get fucking crazy and disgusting and wonderful, and all of the special effects are phenomenal. Massively entertaining and perfect, with a performance from Crampton that seriously equals Combs’ Herbert West in Re-Animator. Great fucking movie.

Dolls (Rewatch, 1987, Stuart Gordon, Roku) - 9.0
A little girl and her terrible parents have to spend the night in the home of a couple elderly doll-makers, and the dolls turn out to be alive and creepy and homicidal. A brilliant fairy tale type story, with some gore, awesome special effects, dark humor, and vicious characters (as well as two insanely likable characters in the little girl and a young man still in touch with his inner child). Really fucking great.

10/29

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2010, Ti West, DVD) - 7.0
The infected water from Cabin Fever makes it’s way to a high school with an upcoming prom. I don’t know what it was, but something about this felt really underdeveloped, and like it wasn’t even a real movie. I couldn’t place what was wrong with it. I know it was partly the interminable animated sequences at the beginning and end that seemed lazily tacked on to make up for not having enough story, but even beyond that, it felt incomplete. Giuseppe Andrews is alright in it, reprising his Deputy Winston role, though that too feels tacked on, and never really connects with the high school plot. The only reason I liked the movie at all is because the gore is phenomenal. Completely disgusting and graphic. If only the rest of the movie was better, this shit would be perfect.

10/30

Jeepers Creepers (2001, Victor Salva, DVD) - 8.0
A brother and sister are driving home and they have some issues with an asshole truck driver, who they happen to witness dumping dead bodies. Fun and tense movie, with a clever new villain. Very much appreciated the ending, too.

Corruption (1968, Robert Hartford-Davis, 35mm, Roxie) - 8.0
Peter Cushing plays a surgeon whose wife’s face gets fucked up, but he discovers he can revive her youthful skin by killing other women and extracting fluid from their pituitary gland. But it doesn’t last that long, so he has to keep up the killing. Not amazing, but pretty enjoyable, and there are some amazing close-up shots of Cushing all sweaty and intense while he’s doing his murdering.

10/31

April Fool's Day (1986, Fred Walton, DVD) - 8.0
Some college kids are staying at a friend’s resort house, and their host (Deborah Foreman) starts acting super weird (though nobody seems to actually notice), and everyone starts getting killed. It’s great, and Deborah Foreman is awesome.

Aerobicide (1986, David A. Prior, Download) - 10.0
Members of a gym are being killed off by someone with a giant safety pin, and it may have something to do with a girl who was burned up in a tanning bed incident. Normally, I don’t like it when movies are repetitive, and throwing things in excessively just to pad out the running time, but when the thing that the movie goes to every other scene is girls in spandex aerobicizing and humping the ground to 80s-tastic jams (I’d say there’s at least 40 minutes of this), I can’t help but be charmed and entertained. Then there’s blood, and nudity, and amazing acting and macho posturing, and burn victim nudity, and an attempt at mystery, and seriously fucking incredible music. Every second of this movie is perfect. I’ll definitely be watching it again, and I believe it’s a competitor for one of my Favorite Movies of ALL TIME.
Here's another poster (under the title Killer Workout), and here is a VHS I am extremely desperate to own.

TV
10/31
The Office Season 6 (Greg Daniels, Roku) - 9.0

Rewatches
10/30 - The Brood (1979, David Cronenberg, 35mm, Roxie) - 10.0

October Top 10
1. Aerobicide
2. I'm Feeling Scared
3. Suicide: It Doesn't Have to Happen
4. Dressed to Kill
5. Jackass 3D
6. Psycho II
7. Francesca, Baby
8. The Drug Scene
9. The Social Network
10. The Sweet House of Horrors

Also, just a quick life update: I did stand-up for the first time at an open mic the other night, and it went pretty well.

September Reviews 3

9/22

I Spit On Your Grave (2010, Steven R. Monroe, 35mm, Lumiere) - 9.5
A girl goes to a secluded cabin in the woods to get some writing done, but gets gang-raped and left for dead instead. She recovers, and takes insanely gory and creative revenge. Much glossier than the original, kind of meaner, and set up better as a stalker film where the protagonist is the hunter. Mostly, though, I loved it for the killing. Specifically, there's a thing with fish hooks and eyelids that got me totally wet.

9/23

Angela (1995, Rebecca Miller, DVD) - 2.0
Two sisters have a mentally ill mother and they’re into religion, and they occasionally have visions of Peter Facinelli as an angel. Feels like an extended version of a stereotypical student film. Pretty bad.

9/24

The Town (2010, Ben Affleck, 35mm, Balboa) - 7.5
Ben Affleck is a bank robber who falls for a woman he takes hostage (Rebecca Hall), and starts dating her without her knowing who he is, and he doesn’t want to rob banks anymore, but Jeremy Renner and Pete Postlethwaite pressure him into a last big score, and Jon Hamm is a vicious FBI agent out to get them all. I love heist movies, and this one is solid, but never does anything I found extraordinary. I don’t know why people were so in love with it. Chris Cooper has a bit part, and plays an asshole so effectively it made me hate him as a person. It was also in the back of my mind that he had turned down a role in Machete because he thought it was stupid or something, so god, what’s his fucking problem. Also, the ending of this movie is fairly terrible.

9/26
I rewatched parts of Fellini's 8½ because it was playing on my shift at the Red Vic. I will admit that it can be fun to disagree with most of the world on certain movies, and I enjoy arguing with people about why 8½ is a piece of shit and The Room is a masterpiece. But at the same time, there's part of me that is distressed by not liking every movie, especially ones that so many others tend to appreciate, and so I'll occasionally revisit something to find out if I'm just missing out. I watched about two 30 minute chunks of 8½, and even having seen it before, I know it's not entirely fair to judge based on random segments, but what I saw was annoying as fuck and completely boring. I hated the main character, I hated his interactions with people, I hated the music and the editing and the tone that it set. I caught about 30 seconds worth of Barbara Steele, and she was excellent. That's all I can give to this movie. The cinematography is ok.

9/28

Basket Case 2 (1990, Frank Henenlotter, DVD) - 8.0
Duane and his deformed, formerly attached twin brother Belial are taken to the hospital, and starting to make headlines, after their fate at the end of the first movie. A woman nicknamed Dr. Freak, and her granddaughter, are able to take them in, and make them comfortable in a household full of absurd-looking freaks. But when exposure and their safety is threatened by a reporter, they all have to band together to fight back. A bit goofier than the original, and far less squalid. But still a fun film, and a charming story, with lots of hilarious moments.

9/29

I Am Love (2010, Luca Guadagnino, 35mm, Red Vic) - 2.0
Dramatic drama about a family, and Tilda Swinton sleeps with her son's business partner in some almost amusingly unbearable artful sex scenes (in a field, lots of close-ups where you don't know what or whose body part you're looking at, and constant cuts to insects crawling on flowers). Toward the end of the movie, something tragic happens and it's kind of interesting, I guess. And the very ending has the most dramatic, epic, sweeping score I've ever heard, and it's just some people looking at each other, and then Swinton vanishes. It was kind of amazing, but would probably be less amazing if I understood what was going on. For the most part, I Am Love is I Am Terrible. (this doesn't make any sense, but I can't get it out of my head.) By chance, I saw the trailer like 4 days later, and had already forgotten I had even seen it. I like the poster, though.

TV
9/28
Mad Men Season 2 (2008, Matthew Wiener, DVD) - 8.5
Starting to get more invested in the characters, and possibly even like them. Really picked up from the first season. Peggy is still my favorite.

September Top 10
1. Dogtooth
2. Hausu
3. I Spit on Your Grave (2010)
4. Machete
5. Deep Blue Sea
6. Resident Evil: Afterlife
7. I Spit On Your Grave (1978)
8. Peggy Sue Got Married
9. The Disappearance of Alice Creed
10. The Last Exorcism

September Reviews 1

Over at Kittysneezes, I posted reviews of my 50 favorite movies I saw in 2010 (not including movies from 2010). A lot of it I've already posted here, and there's one overlap in this very post, but there's a bunch of stuff I haven't put up yet.

9/3

Class of Nuke 'Em High (Rewatch, 1986, Lloyd Kaufman/Michael Herz/Richard W. Haines, DVD) - 9.0
Some high school kids are transformed into mutant punks after doing drugs grown at the nuclear power plant, and the high school’s water becomes contaminated as well, causing other students to mutate, and there’s also a giant mutant fetus to contend with. Ridiculous, hilarious, and gory. One of Troma’s best.

Tromeo & Juliet (Rewatch, 1996, Lloyd Kaufman/James Gunn, DVD) - 9.0
There are these two families that hate each other, but then a member of each family (the titular Tromeo and Juliet) fall in love, and have to find a way to be together against their families’ wishes. Horribly stupid at times, but mostly amazing and funny, and the ways in which it updates Shakespeare’s plot are gross and inspired. The gore is fucking incredible, and the ending is brilliant.

The Disappearance of Alice Creed (2010, J Blakeson, 35mm, Balboa) - 8.5
Two men kidnap a girl, and keep her tied to a bed until they can collect the ransom. The relationships between the three of them are more complicated than they initially appear, and there are tons of great twists and reveals. An excellent thriller.

9/4

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (Rewatch, 2008, Lloyd Kaufman, DVD) - 10.0
A guy gets a job at a fast-food chicken franchise built on a Native American burial ground, and people start turning into chicken zombies. It’s so fucking dumb, but somehow makes it all work by constantly pushing things farther than is expected and doing some extraordinary things with gore. Like, I am not a fan of fart jokes. I would say I am the opposite of a fan. I hate it not because it’s silly, but because there’s no variation to it. It’s just a fucking sound effect and it’s exactly the fucking same every fucking time. But Kaufman does something special with this film in that he makes a fart joke feel fresh. The joke may start with a fart, but then it evolves into a close-up of an obese man’s ass explosively shitting (unfortunately and bizarrely censored a bit, but still great), and that evolves into the obese man shitting himself inside out. Fucking amazing. The entire movie is like that. Super great.

Hausu (Rewatch, 1977, Nobuhiko Obayashi, 35mm, Red Vic) - 9.5
A group of girls with distinct character traits (one knows kung fu, one eats a lot, one plays music, etc.) all go to one of the girl’s Aunt’s house, but the house is haunted and starts killing the girls in various bizarre ways (like being eaten by a piano, or crushed by bedding). I had seen this previously under shitty circumstances, and was underwhelmed, but this time I saw it the right way (on 35mm, rather than ugly, poor digital projection) and I was able to get wrapped up in the delirious, hilarious, adorable, fun absurdity of this completely nuts horror ride. This movie should be an attraction at Disneyland.

9/8

Poultry in Motion: Truth is Stranger Than Chicken (2008, Andrew Deemer/Jason Foulke, DVD) - 8.0
A feature-length documentary on the making of Poultrygeist. It looks like a fucking nightmare, like there would be nothing in the world worse than making a movie for Troma. This is fascinating because most of the crew are unpaid volunteers, just doing it for the sake of independent art, and this doesn't exactly serve as an advertisement for anyone to join them for future movies. But they were going for something honest, so you know, great. It doesn't really explain how to do anything (the actual setup of special effects, for instance), but I know Troma's already put out a 5-disc set that gets into these kinds of details. So it was more of a portrayal of what it was like to be on set during production, and it's definitely an entertaining watch.

9/9 and 1/13

Dogtooth (2010, Giorgos Lanthimos, 35mm, Kabuki/Cinefamily) - 9.5
Three young-ish adults (I keep seeing synopses that list them as teenagers, but I'd say they're in their 20s) are kept within their parents' property, cut off from the outside world, which they believe can only be accessed within a car, for fear of attacks from killer cats. The parents also teach them incorrect definitions for words, as well as various other somewhat random fabrications, and the only non-family member they have access to is a prostitute who stops by periodically (but has to wear a blindfold on the trip over) to take care of the son's sexual needs. The kids are awkward and childish, often competing in dangerous games to entertain themselves. They are not necessarily miserable, not being aware that any other lifestyle exists, but they are obviously being deprived, and it can be a disturbing watch. It's also blackly humorous, and super fucking cute in it's own special way, and I completely ate it the fuck up. I loved every moment.

9/12

Mad Men Season 1 (2007, Matthew Wiener, DVD) - 7.5
Some people work in advertising in the early 60s. I wasn’t very interested in this show, because it sounded boring, but it’s pretty good. I liked the first episode because it made the 50s look like the most horrific, miserable time period ever, and I’ve always thought the 50s sounded like kind of a nightmare, so it’s nice to see it not being glamorized. It turned out it actually takes place in 1960, but whatever, close enough. I’m still not especially invested, and am I supposed to like any of the characters? I love Peggy, but everyone else is kind of an asshole. But still, yeah, somehow it’s pretty good.

Rewatch
9/11 - Piranha 3D (2010, Alexandre Aja, RealD, Metreon) - 10.0

July Reviews 2

7/11

Dead Snow (2009, Tommy Wirkola, Roku) - 9.0
A group of people go to a cabin in the snowy mountains, and there turns out to be Nazi zombies there. It starts really slow, and the first couple of kills are offscreen, so I wasn’t into it. But about halfway in, the movie goes fucking nuts, and the gore and blood is graphic and continuous, and it’s amazing.

7/12 - BOOK

Petals on the Wind by V.C. Andrews - 9.0
Following the traumatic events of Flowers in the Attic, the Dollanganger kids find a new home with a kind doctor. It's not nearly as dark or disturbing as the first book. The main conflict seems to center around too many people being in love with Cathy, and she doesn't know if she should choose a complete asshole who will help her acheive fame as a ballet dancer, her brother, or a much older man. It's not boring, and there are still fucked up things happening occasionally, but it was much harder to get into. Throughout the book, Cathy is slowly tracking her mother's whereabouts and planning some kind of revenge, and when this begins to culminate in the last fourth of the book, things start to take off. Like, really fucking start to take the fuck off, holy fuck. It was the most shocking, riveting, insane, perfect, completely EPIC finale I've ever read, and brings every element from both books together beautifully. It was some of the best writing I have ever come across. So perfect and wonderful, and sad, and brutal, and fuck, everything. Well worth any slow portions or intolerable characters (the asshole ballet guy). Loved it.

7/16

Rotaie (1929, Mario Camerini) - 5.0
A couple is really poor, so they’re gonna kill themselves, but they don’t, and they end up finding a bunch of money and then living a better life until the guy loses it all gambling, so they’re poor again, but this time they decide that rather than killing themselves maybe they should just get jobs. While actually watching the film, my knowledge of what I just described above ended with “A couple”. The entire synopsis I just wrote all came from Erin explaining it to me afterwards. Sometimes I can’t follow silent movies, like I have to be in just the right mood. My original rating was a 3.0, but that’s way too harsh because looking back on it now that I understand the story, it seems like a pretty good movie. You should ignore my rating entirely.

Lady Terminator (Rewatch, 1988, Jalil Jackson, 35mm, Roxie) - 9.0
Here is everything you could ever need to know about this movie:

7/17

Diary of a Lost Girl (1929, G.W. Pabst, 35mm, Castro) - 8.0
Louise Brooks is this girl who has a baby out of wedlock, so her father and his mistress decide she’s out of control and needs to go to this shitty girls’ home run by a dyke who makes them do calisthenics, and she escapes the home and becomes a prostitute, but eventually finds her way. Good story, and Brooks is charismatic and very enjoyable to look at (I was also very taken by the girl on the left in this picture, because she had great (crooked) teeth).

Häxan: Witchcraft Through the Ages (1922, Benjamin Christensen, 35mm, Castro) - 3.5
A pseudo-documentary on witchcraft (through the ages), told through a whole fucking lot of intertitles, and occasional moving pictures. It seems like a strange complaint, but this silent film had way too many words. I’m almost positive the intertitles take up more than half of the film’s running time. The movie is occasionally quite good, with interesting imagery. In particular, all of the scenes with the devil are amazing, and I liked the brief tour of torture instruments. But it’s mostly boring, and it started to feel like hours had passed and it was never, ever going to end. Essentially, I think the director failed to tell a story using the silent medium and the filmed images don’t offer quite enough to justify his not just writing a fucking book.

7/18

Man with a Movie Camera (1929, Dziga Vertov, 35mm, Castro) - 9.0
A man films a bunch of shit in the Soviet Union. The imagery is always compelling, with editing that is innovative and way ahead of its time. There was one really clever device it used where there would be stop-motion animation (once with a magician and once with a movie camera setting itself up on a tripod), which is already impressive enough as it is, but it would then cut to an audience reacting, as if this were happening live in front of them, and it was a brilliant way to add a sense of reality to animation. I also have to give some credit to the live score. All the live scores at this year’s Silent Film Festival were uniformly great (and often enjoyable even when the movie wasn’t), but this one in particular, by the Alloy Orchestra, was fucking phenomenal. The sound was perfectly married to the image, keeping up with every fast cut, and building on occasion to overwhelming levels. The movie was great either way, but they definitely contributed to my appreciation of the film.

7/20 - TV
The Office Season 5 (Greg Daniels, Roku) - 9.5
Still amazing. Holly was a great character, it was sad to see her go. My favorite character right now is probably Creed. And Ryan’s bleached hair was amazing.

7/21

Cyrus (2010, Jay & Mark Duplass, 35mm, Balboa) - 8.0
John C. Reilly is divorced and lonely, but then he meets Marisa Tomei at a party, and they start dating, but she turns out to have a fully grown son named Cyrus (Jonah Hill) who is eerily close to her and seems to have some mental problems. There's some annoying, pointlessly jerky camera movements at the start of the movie, but they fade away. The story is intriguing, funny, and strange, and Hill is excellent as a creepy, codependent weirdo. At times, I loved the movie, wrapped up in the characters' awkwardness and occasional hatred for each other. It fails miserably with the ending, however. In a delusionally happy ending, Cyrus has a change of heart based on his mother's unhappiness that doesn't fall in line with the character's history and mental health issues. Besides that, though, it's still very good.

Shorts
7/16 - Panorama from Top of a Moving Train (1898, Georges Méliès, Digital Projection, Castro) - 6.0
This is about a minute long, and the title is the synopsis. It’s fine.

7/17 - The Spider and the Butterfly (Fragment, 1909, Georges Méliès, Digital Projection, Castro) - 8.0
There’s a woman with butterfly wings, and another woman with a web and spider arms who is trying to get her, and a magician making it all happen, and it’s colorized in a really neat way, and is great.

The Infernal Cauldron (1903, Georges Méliès, Digital Projection, Castro) - 8.5
Same kind of coloring as the last short, in this one, the devil tosses people into a cauldron. It’s also great.

7/18 - A Trip to the Moon (1902, Georges Méliès, Digital Projection, Castro) - 9.0
Some astronomers build a rocket and shoot it out of a cannon to the moon, and once there, they go underground, where there are some weird creatures. Amazing.

July Top 5 Cartoons
1. The Woody Woodpecker Polka (1951, Walter Lantz, Youtube) - 9.5
Woody dresses in drag to sneak into a barn dance and steal food, and the doorman falls in love with her.

2. Popeye: A Dream Walking (1934, Dave Fleischer, Youtube) - 9.5
Olive Oyl sleepwalks over rooftops and around a construction site, so Popeye and Bluto compete to save her before she falls to her death.

3. Betty Boop's Life Guard (1934, Dave Fleischer, Youtube) - 9.0
Betty goes into the ocean on an inflatable horse, but it deflates and she can’t swim, so the life guard has to save her.

4. Donald Duck: Bee at the Beach (1950, Jack Hannah, Youtube) - 8.5
(This review may have been written on Ambien.)
Youtube Is in 3d tonith and it loosk right, Donald is having beach sharring issues there wih=t a bee, so they fuck around with each other a biit the way any sweret cat wouldl.

5. Gerald McBoing-Boing (Rewatch, 1951, Robert Cannon, Youtube) - 8.0
A young boy can’t speak, but can only make sound effects noises.

Ambien Review #8: Lost Season 2

July 25
Lost Season 2 - Roku
Jeffrey Lieber, Damon Lindelof, J.J. Abrams
9.5

I took an Ambien 10 minutes ago, and haven’t started feeling it yet, but I’m hoping it may take effect in the middle of writing this review. If not a bit sooner than the middle. In Season 2 of Lost, they are still on the island. They find a bunker with some comfortable rooms to hang out in, tons of food, and a tape that partially explains the island’s purpose. The bunker also has a button, and this button needs to be pressed every couple of hours or something mysterious will happen. So they debate a lot about whether or not pressing the button actually does anything. Then they also capture a guy, who may be an innocent who accidentally hot-air-ballooned his way there, or he more likely could be one of the Others. They don’t know! So they keep him locked up, until something can be proven. It’s tied up and together now at the end, and shit gets crazy. Here’s what happens if you don’t push the button: shit gets crazy. People got killed I wasn’t expecting. I’m lovin’ it, this season’s cheeseburder is better than last season’s cheeseburder.

Flashbacks I don’t knw what to make if, They’re aviyt knowing the sttit==otr if the crew before they explode, U=I had a dream abioyt Lost recentky. I was on the island , but the island was more of =a like apartment conplecs. But I llooiked out the widnow and saw people in the street. I had not seen a street in so long having been so tragically Lost, I asked peope I saw for help, and they mostly ignored me or couldn’t heat me but A couple people talked in an unrecognizable language. They did nt= sound optinistc. About what we were to do. What we were what we were wet wret wre rwerwe, twat we were twet we werewhut we were we were wet what we’re we were going. So I never got out of this dresms I don’t think. No, never got out of the situation while well we while I was willing to while out within the dream. The dream part is done, though. New characters this sesaon. Some I would’ve like to have seen back. But they are Lost to the show. There’s all kind of people on that fucking island,. WEKK CAB TGERE BE an irabge vrysgsugbauk ti sebd iytm abd at tge ebdm we gekouthkb acgeuve tgeur guaks. I thought I could write a bit with my eyes clised. I do not have a fucking clue what any word frim “WEKK” ti :guaks: us, I dib;t have favorite characters yet. Maybe one. See if you can get it with my eyes clsoed. Hyrkey. Thts not abd actually. Kate. Michelle Rodrigyez. You know what flashback I liked? The one with Claire g=flashubg back t what was hapoeobubg ti her when she was tajen ib tge iskand. Si it was a flashback, byt one that stull was abiut an us==island stiry, I think I eant to force myself into bed 30 years /no minutes ago so I don’t end up not getting 8 hours even with Ambien, maybe more like 6.5. GET WELL SOON. Did I write that somewhere? It’s appropriate it in mnay ways. I liked the second season bunches of rolling puches of joy amount.

P.S. CAT MARINE WORLD Summer Summer, Summer Summer

June Reviews: Book, TV, Shorts, Cartoons, Top 10s, and more!

BOOK
6/2

Catching the Big Fish: Meditation, Consciousness, and Creativity (Audiobook) by David Lynch - 8.0
Lynch reads his book on meditation and how it ties into his filmmaking process. He doesn’t really get into details on how to meditate or anything, just talks about it’s advantages and how it has helped him personally. But he mostly talks about making movies. He goes through every stage, from coming up with ideas, to making everything coalesce, and basically covers pre- to post- production, telling stories about each of his films along the way. He’s a great speaker, who is very informative, occasionally funny, and unbelievably succinct. He talks a little about the meanings behind his films (apparently Lost Highway is all about O.J. Simpson), and how people interpret them, and one of my favorite parts is when (while talking about Mulholland Drive), he says, “The box and the key. I have no clue what these things mean.” So, you know, don’t try too hard trying to figure out his movies, because sometimes not even he knows the answers. If you’re a fan of David Lynch, but not interested in the meditation stuff (I wasn’t really), I definitely still recommend the book, or the audiobook if you’re also a fan of his voice.

TV
6/11
The Office Season 2 (Greg Daniels, Roku) - 9.5
This show is really amazing and hilarious. I cannot get enough of Michael Scott’s crush on the temp (B.J. Novak).

6/19
RuPaul's Drag Race Season 2 (Fenton Bailey/Randy Barbato/Tom Campbell/RuPaul Charles, VH1) - 7.5
Better than the first season, but still not as amazing as it potentially could be. I don't expect all drag queens to be as amazing as this, but I do expect them to not be boring. And I just have zero interest in "serious" queens. At least there were opportunities this time for some of them to show their comedic side. Also, I thought it was weird that almost all of them had like a counterpart from the first season. Jujubee = Ongina, Raven = Shannel (I literally cannot tell the difference between these two), Mystique = Pork Chop, Pandora Boxx = Tammie Brown. You can see pictures of the Season 1 people at the bottom of this page and the Season 2 people at the bottom of this page. Oh, and also, I don't like RuPaul all that much. It's hard to say if I would ordinarily think he lacks charm or fabulous-ness, or if it's all due to horror stories I've heard about him being a total cunt from people who had to work with him. If there's another season, I'm sure I'll keep watching. But seriously, cast someone from fucking San Francisco already.

6/22
The Office Season 3 (Greg Daniels, Roku) - 9.0
This is a great show!

6/28
The Office Season 4 (Greg Daniels, Roku) - 9.5
I don’t know which I love more. Michael’s crush on Ryan, or his anti-crush on Toby. Neither one ever gets old. The episode with the dinner party at Michael’s and Jan’s house was incredible.

6/29
Party Down Season 2 (Rob Thomas/John Enbom/Dan Etheridge/Paul Rudd, Roku) - 9.0
The final season of Party Down. So sad. I gotta say, this season was less funny than the first. There was a lot of depressing, serious stuff about the crew failing to live out their dreams. I did like that, though. The cast continued to be amazing, and I'm love with all of them. Megan Mullally's character was fucking adorable.

Rewatches (links go to previous reviews)
6/5 - Troll 2 (1990, Claudio Fragasso, Projected DVD, Lumiere) - 10.0+
6/11 - Jennifer's Body (2009, Karyn Kusama, DLP, Castro) - 9.5

Stand-Up
6/12 - Louis C.K.: Chewed Up (2008, Louis C.K. & Shannon Hartman, Roku) - 8.0
6/18 - Richard Pryor: Here and Now (1983, Richard Pryor, Roku) - 8.0

Shorts
6/5 - Darkness/Light/Darkness (Rewatch, 1989, Jan Svankmajer, Youtube) - 8.5
Clay body parts construct themselves into a person in a small room.

6/5 - You Killed Me First (Rewatch, 1985, Richard Kern, DVD) - 9.0
An angsty punk girl (a brilliantly compelling actress named Lung Leg) is frustrated with her family, and eventually kills them.

6/5 - Stray Dogs (Rewatch, 1985, Richard Kern, DVD) - 8.5
Some guy follows an artist home, enters his house, and starts cutting off his own limbs.

6/5 - Woman at the Wheel (Rewatch, 1985, Richard Kern, DVD) - 7.0
A woman goes on dates with some assholes who never let her drive, so she kicks them out of the car, and at the end, she finally gets to drive and she crashes.

6/5 - Thrust In Me (Rewatch, 1985, Richard Kern & Nick Zedd, DVD) - 8.5
Nick Zedd in drag kills herself, and then Nick Zedd out of drag shows up at her house and sticks his dick in her mouth.

6/13 - Cooking with Gerry (1989, Reed Farrington, Youtube) - 9.0
An awkward Asian man tries to demonstrate how to cook turkey shrimp fried rice.

6/13 - Cooking with Gerry 2 (2010, Jay Cheel, Vimeo) - 9.0
20 years later, the same awkward Asian man tries to demonstrate how to make poutine. I don’t think either of these shorts would mean anything, or be funny, to anyone who doesn’t listen to the Film Junk podcast, but if you do, these are really great.

6/19 - Day & Night (2010, Teddy Newton, 35mm, Balboa) - 9.0
Preceded Toy Story 3. Two creatures, one made up of day and the other made up of night, meet each other, and are at first fearful of one another, but then learn to appreciate each other’s differences. Gets a little heavy-handed when a radio broadcast spells out the film’s message, but it’s still cute and extremely innovative visually.

Cartoons
I started writing down descriptions of the cartoons I'm watching (again, mostly on . They're not really reviews, just something to help me remember them better, but I thought I might as well include them.

Swing Shift Cinderella (1945, Tex Avery, Youtube) - 8.0
The Wolf from Little Red Riding Hood sleazes after Cinderella instead, and tries to get away from the Fairy Godmother, who is sleazing after him.

Dudley Do-Right: Saw Mill (1960, Youtube) - 8.5
Dudley Do-Right’s girlfriend or fiance or wife (I can’t remember) is kidnapped and going to be sawed in half, so she sends him a letter asking for help.

Disney: Susie the Little Blue Coupe (1952, Clyde Geronimi, Youtube) - 8.0
Weirdly sad story about a car being bought, used up, stolen, junked, etc.

Car of Tomorrow (1951, Tex Avery, Youtube) - 7.5
A bunch of gags about ridiculous traits that cars in the future will have.

Goofy: Motor Mania (Rewatch, 1950, Jack Kinney, Youtube) - 7.0
Goofy is a decent person who becomes a maniac once he’s put behind the wheel. I’m pretty sure this was shown when I went to traffic school.

Mickey Mouse: Traffic Troubles (1931, Burt Gillett, Youtube) - 7.0
Mickey drives a cab and lots of weird shit happens.

One Cab's Family (1952, Tex Avery, Youtube) - 9.0
A baby car is born in the “motor’nity” ward (I love it) of a hospital, and as it gets older, it wants to be a fast hot rod rather than a taxi.

Donald Duck: Donald's Tire Trouble (1943, Dick Lundy, Youtube) - 7.0
Donald changes a flat tire.

Disney: In the Bag (1956, Jack Hannah, Youtube) - 8.5
A park ranger tries to trick all the bears into picking up all the trash around the park, and one bear in particular gets stuck with most of the work.

The Animal Movie (1966, Grant Munro & Rob Tunis, Youtube) - 8.0
A little boy interacts with various animals. Very cute and sweet.

Van Beuren's Tom & Jerry: Pencil Mania (1932, John Foster & Vernon Stallings, Youtube) - 7.5
Two guys (Tom & Jerry) draw shit that comes to life. Some great gags.

Sylvester and Elmer Fudd: Back Alley Oproar (1948, Friz Freleng, Youtube) - 7.0
Elmer Fudd is trying to get some sleep, but Sylvester is intent on tormenting him and it ends with Elmer Fudd killing himself (seriously).

Flip the Frog: Ragtime Romeo (1931, Ub Iwerks, Youtube) - 7.5
Flip impresses his girlfriend by playing piano outside her apartment complex.

Pluto: Cat Nap Pluto (1948, Charles A. Nichols, Youtube) - 8.0
Pluto is trying to take a nap, but Figaro the kitten wants to play with him.

You Can't Shoe a Horsefly (1940, Dave Fleischer, Youtube) - 7.0
A young horse is trying to sleep, but is tormented by a horsefly.

Yogi Bear: Slumber Party Smarty (1958, Hanna/Barbera, Youtube) - 7.5
Yogi is trying to hibernate, but is disturbed by a baby duck.

Puss in Boots (1934, Ub Iwerks, Youtube) - 8.0
After a guy helps save some kittens, the cat the kittens belong to helps him save the princess from an ogre, so he can become a prince.

Tom & Jerry: The Zoot Cat (1944, Hanna/Barbera, Youtube) - 8.0
Tom makes himself a zoot suit to impress a lady cat.

Mickey Mouse: Mickey's Rival (1936, Wilfred Jackson, Youtube) - 8.0
Mickey meets Minnie’s ex, Mortimer, who is a dickish prankster, but charms Minnie. When a bull comes after them, though, Mickey is the one who sticks around to defend her.

Oswald Rabbit: Beach Combers (1936, Walter Lantz, Youtube) - 7.5
Some ducklings try to steal a picnic basket from a rabbit and it’s dog, and the ducklings’ black brother outsmarts everyone.

Crazy Mixed-Up Pup (1954, Tex Avery, Youtube) - 8.5
A man and his dog get run over, and the ambulance guy mixes up their plasma, so they start acting like each other.

Little Audrey: Butterscotch and Soda (1948, Seymour Kneitel, Youtube) - 8.5
Little Audrey goes into candy withdrawal and starts hallucinating.

Goofy: Fathers Are People (1951, Jack Kinney, Youtube) - 5.0
Goofy has a kid and takes cares of it.

Summertime (1935, Ub Iwerks, Youtube) - 5.0
Summer starts happening.

Daffy Duck: Muscle Tussle (1953, Robert McKimson, Youtube) - 7.0
A guy with big muscles moves in on Daffy’s girlfriend, so he takes a formula that he thinks has made him strong.

June Top 10
1. The Karate Kid
2. Best Worst Movie
3. Innocent Blood
4. Mother
5. Toy Story 3
6. Bullies
7. Trash Humpers
8. A League of Their Own
9. The Karate Kid Part II
10. Splice

June Top 10 Shorts & Cartoons
1. Day & Night
2. Cooking with Gerry
3. Cooking with Gerry 2
4. One Cab's Family
5. Crazy Mixed-Up Pup
6. In the Bag
7. Saw Mill
8. Butterscotch and Soda
9. Swing Shift Cinderella
10. The Animal Movie

Ambien Review #7: Lost Season 1

June 3
Lost Season 1 - Roku
Jeffrey Lieber, Damon Lindelof, J.J. Abrams
9.0

The Lost Finale has breathed its last finaleious breath, and so I thought this time was right to get abreast with the world aand start watching, with Season 1. It’s like a flashback. You’re living your life nowwhere all things ave been explained and examined, and partway thougth, they’re gonna cut away from your life, and show my life instead way behind on the schedule, all the way back at season fucking one. This. This is how the show is when you watch it, Jack is the doctor, he cantake control when he’s able, but Locke has his own agenda trying to cover up his big secret that he is also Creed Bratton on the Office, And Kate looks pretty , I din’t think so at first but then I got a load of her rabbit teeth and I love it now. Some other characters too, getting their shit in line. Let me put it all on the line here. I hope I don’t offend anyone by saying this, but Lost is a good show that is worth liking. I’ve been watching stand-up all day, and now I’m smashing your brain sacs into curdled cheese sacs with all this major edginess. Who’s communicaring with me? I don’t know where my altered-ness comes and goes. But I solemnly swear in this here Lost reivew, that I wil never take Ambien and drive. Apparently, that’s a side effect. Being on Ambien and dying to drive. That sounds like a horrible idea, I can barely type out words. The other side effect thet warn you about is “sleep-fucking”. [Here I had to cut out some personal information about my sex life with Erin that no one should read. You probably shouldn't read the next couple sentences either.] It’s like if I took care of myself right here, right in the middle of this review, and I took the care to cum into something other than the keyboard or the mouse or the face of the paparweight skunk that looks like Hitler. I felt so safe and pure floating in a viscous Ambiel jelly, and then these hands come in and next thing I know I’m looking down and reading these very words on the top of my dick as I flash back to hazy memory of fucking my printer, and my mind is blown by how meta it shit fucking is. These reviews are getting harder, I feel overly aware of them. But I cant tell if I read it back now and it makes sense, does that mean it will make sense later, or does that mean it will not make any sense later. I feel like this a review I would shit out under ordinary circumstances, and then delete and re-write but now I can make t funny if I separate myself from it too mcuh.

I’m gonna write something coherent about Lost. The first couple episodes, dealing with crashes and such, were very exciting and well-done. But after that, especially with a ll the hype, I wanted non-stop crazyiness. And though I always see the necessity of the flashbacks, I feel like they also hold the show back in some way, and Im more interested in current goings-on. Fuck, I got these fucked up hiccups back, they’re seriously ridicktits. I think that coveres what I want to reveal about what’s happening on Lost Season 1. So far, Season 2 has been beeter. Oh, but the Season 1 Finale was fucking amazing.

May Reviews Part 2: TV, Book, Short, Cartoons

TV
5/16
Saturday Night Live Season 35 (Lorne Michaels, NBC) - 7.5
Pretty good season. Kristen Wiig still the best.

5/17
Tool Academy 3 (Sally Ann Salsano/Jim Ackerman/Dave Hamilton, VH1) - 8.5
This was a coed season, with a couple female tools, including a lesbian (so progressive), and I was also pleased to see a married tool. On the reunion show for the first season, one of the first tools who had gotten kicked off had since married his girlfriend and the host treated it like this was some kind of miraculous solution, and putting a ring on it is all it takes to stop being an asshole, which is obviously not true. Anyway, I’m always hesitant to start a new season of this show because I think I’m just gonna hate everyone and get depressed, but then I always end up getting really into it. I still pretty much hate everyone, but am also easily entertained by their antics.

5/21
Parks and Recreation Season 2 (Greg Daniels/Michael Schur, NBC) - 10.0
I liked the first season, but it really took off in Season 2, and is fucking hilarious. Amy Poehler and Ron Swanson are incredible. I think this adorable gif pretty much sums everything up:

I can’t believe Season 3 doesn’t start until January!

5/31
The Office Season 1 (Greg Daniels, Roku) - 9.0
A bunch of people work in an office, with a boss (Steve Carell) who makes a ton of inappropriate jokes. I had heard that the first few episodes were identical to the British version, but it was really only the pilot and the second episode that were the same, so far as I can remember, anyway. The characters are obviously based on their British counterparts, but each actor definitely puts their own spin on them, so it still feels fresh. It’s really good.

BOOK
5/23
Skinema by Chris Nieratko - 3.0
A bunch of not-really-reviews of porn videos by a guy loosely connected to Jackass. I wanted to read it because I like the idea of using a review format to instead tell stories that barely touch on the actual movie in question, but this was pretty shitty and I ended up preferring it when he actually reviewed the porn. The writer was a tool who was frequently almost funny, but never quite makes it, and he’s just not likable. I don’t know why I even bothered to finish it.

Short
5/4
Robin's Big Date (2005, James Duffy, Youtube) - 8.0
Robin (played by Justin Long) is on a date, and Batman (played by Sam Rockwell) shows up and embarrasses him. Really good, Sam Rockwell is hilarious in it.

Cartoons
Disney: Pecos Bill (1948, Clyde Geronimi, Youtube) - 8.0
Tom & Jerry: The Invisible Mouse (1947, Hanna/Barbera, Youtube) - 7.5
Heckle and Jeckle: Dancing Shoes (1949, Mannie Davis, Youtube) - 7.5
Pluto: Pluto's Blue Note (1947, Charles A. Nichols, Youtube) - 6.0
Looney Tunes: Punch Trunk (1953, Chuck Jones, Youtube) - 7.5
Donald Duck: Cured Duck (1945, Jack King, Youtube) - 7.5
Silly Symphony: The China Shop (1934, Wilfred Jackson, Youtube) - 8.0
Mickey Mouse: Mickey's Garden (1935, Wilfred Jackson, Youtube) - 7.5
Foghorn Leghorn: The EGGcited Rooster (1952, Robert McKimson, Youtube) - 7.0
Popeye: I Don't Scare (1956, Izzy Sparber, Youtube) - 8.0
Merrie Melodies: Speedy Gonzales (1955, Friz Freleng, Youtube) - 8.0
Dr. Seuss: Green Eggs and Ham (1973, Hawley Pratt, Youtube) - 7.0
Donald Duck: Grin and Bear It (1954, Jack Hannah, Youtube) - 8.0
Mighty Mouse: Mother Goose's Birthday Party (1950, Connie Rasinski, Youtube) - 8.0
Goofy: Get Rich Quick (1951, Jack Kinney, Youtube) - 8.0
Small Fry (1939, Dave Fleischer, Youtube) - 8.0
Balloon Land (1935, Ub Iwerks, Youtube) - 8.0
Pink Panther: Psychedelic Pink (1968, Hawley Pratt, Youtube) - 6.0
Mickey Mouse: Mickey's Nightmare (1932, Burt Gillett, Youtube) - 9.0
Betty Boop: Crazy Town (1932, Dave Fleischer, Youtube) - 8.5
Flip the Frog: Techno-Cracked (1933, Ub Iwerks, Youtube) - 8.0
Donald Duck: Duck Pimples (1945, Jack Kinney, Youtube) - 9.0
All's Fair at the Fair (1938, Dave Fleischer, Youtube) - 7.0
Merrie Melodies: Design for Leaving (1954, Robert McKimson, Youtube) - 8.0
Disney: Morris the Midget Moose (1950, Charles A. Nichols, Youtube) - 9.0
Bimbo: Swing You Sinners (Rewatch, 1930, Dave Fleischer, Youtube) - 9.5
Happy Harmonies: Honeyland (1935, Rudolf Ising, Youtube) - 7.0
Pluto: Puss Cafe (1950, Charles A. Nichols, Youtube) - 9.0
Woody Woodpecker: Born to Peck (1952, Walter Lantz, Youtube) - 8.0
Popeye: I Yam Lovesick (1938, Dave Fleischer, Youtube) - 8.0

Dead at 21 Complete Series

May 8
Dead at 21 Complete Series - 1994, DVD-R
Jon Sherman, Roderick Taylor
9.0

Ed Bellamy (Jack Noseworthy) has just turned 20, and he finds out he has some experimental implant in his brain that makes him a genius, but it’s going to kill him by the time he turns 21. Whoever was behind the project decides to close things down, and kill off everyone who has the implant, so they send a sleazy agent after Bellamy, who doesn’t wind up killing him but instead frames him for murder, so Bellamy has to go on the run with a girl he just met, who sticks with him through the series and there’s lots of sexual tension between them. Together, they try to track down the scientist who invented the chip, to see if there’s any way to remove it or to prolong his life, but the sleazy agent is always on their tail.

This was on MTV in ’94, when I was 11, and I was fucking obsessed with it. And for years afterward, I was obsessed with tracking it down, to see it again, and it took until last year for me to finally get my hands on some brutally bad quality DVD-Rs (I also found about half the episodes for download shortly beforehand, but I needed all of them).

It was worth the wait, because the show is amazing, and just about the 90s-est thing ever created. The soundtrack is absurd. Within 13 episodes, I’m pretty sure it managed to include literally every single song produced between 1990 and 1994. It’s pretty cheesy, and it’s not totally clear why the agent is so hellbent on killing Bellamy (or if killing him is even his goal necessarily, it’s more like he just wants to “get” him). Is it because Bellamy knows too much? Because it’s not like he can actually do anything with the information since he’s wanted for murder by the FBI and they can’t stay anywhere for too long before people recognize them from America’s Most Unsolved Murder Mysteries. And if he wants him dead, all he has to do is wait it out, and he’ll be dead by 21.

The best thing about the show, though, is the series finale, which left my young self extremely confused and traumatized. I won’t say exactly what happens, but it is fucked. Watching it today, it still feels ballsy. I think the profound impact it had on me could very well be responsible for my ongoing love of abrupt and horribly tragic endings.