The 2008 3rd Annual Adolf Awards!

OMG Prizes: There is a theme among the presenters, and how I picked them, and if you can figure it out, I will send you one of the posters nominated for Best Poster or Best Film. If you think you know it, send me an email at wolfsothern@gmail.com. Supplies are limited, though, so be quick.

Nicolas Cage: Hi, I’m Nicolas Cage.  Thank you.

I am fuckin honored to be here tonight. Unlike many of the actors/actresses and the movies who will be awarded tonight with a beautiful and adorable Adolf statuette, who have all been hand-chosen by just one person who happens to have far better taste than the Academy, I am here because I was chosen by the people. Specifically, by slightly more than 1/4 of 37 people. People from all over this world chose me as the Best Person for the Hosting Job, so eat your fuckin heart out, Superbad and Bratz and all the other Best Picture nominees, because I’m Nicolas Cage and I am the real winner of tonight. So to honor myself, I’m awarding myself with my own very special statue, The Nicolas.

Let’s get this party started, ladies and gentlemen.

Our first presenters tonight came out here all the way from Canada. Please rent Raising Arizona and welcome to the stage last year’s formidable host of the Adolfs, and this year’s fuckin’ loser, Carrot Top, and his esteemed cohort and my favorite cousin, Keifer Sutherland.

Keifer: Good evening, Carrot Top.
Carrot Top: Evening, Keifer. Hey, I got an invention for you. It’s called a Terrorism Baby’s Mobile. What it does is it takes the twin towers, only they’re actually septuplet towers, and it spins them around, and the baby watches, and rubs it’s dirty diapers all over them. And then you come in, and you shoot the baby in the face with your cock in it’s mouth, and then you tell Nicolas Cage to go fuck himself.
Keifer: That has nothing to do with our category, Carrot.
Carrot Top: Whatever.  Hey, what the fuck?  There aren’t any nominees in this envelope.  Just a winner.
Keifer: Ha ha.  I guess so.  The category here, everyone, is Best Haircut.

Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men!

Javier: Ah, hello, I am Javier. I like to thank the Coens, Andy and Lana, for fantastic film in directing me. And Josh Brolin, for his inspiring work in this movie, ah, also, for Thrashin’. Thank you much.

Those were the worst presenters I’ve ever seen in my life, man, I have GOT to admit. Let’s try again. Please get up out of your seat for two of the sexiest fucking actors of all time ever, together again at last, Keanu Reeves and Olivia D’Abo!

Keanu: Hi, I’m Keanu Reeves.
Olivia: Hi, I’m Olivia D’Abo.
Keanu: Every year, movies are made with endings on them.
Olivia: And every year, some of those endings stand out among the crowd, as being better than other endings that also concluded films, throughout the year.
Keanu: It’s true.
Olivia: Keanu, do you hear that?  The audience is shouting something at us.
Keanu: Woah, yeah.  They’re shouting… “Say it.  Say it.  Say it.”
Olivia: Will we ever escape this, Keanu?  I mean, it’s been over 20 years.
Keanu: Perhaps not.

Olivia: You know what I think? To be expected after all this time to continue saying the same lines over and over again is really … not … fair.

Keanu: You know what, Olivia?

You’re fuckin’ right it isn’t!

Keanu: You’re welcome.
Olivia: The nominees for Best Ending, listed in descending order of greatness, or no, wait, I mean ascending.  I think.
Keanu: Ascending, yeah.  From Really Amazing to Most Amazing.
Olivia: But it starts at the bottom, so isn’t that descending?

5. There Will Be Blood by Paul Thomas Anderson!

4. 1408 by Mikael Hafstrom!

3. Bug by William Friedkin!

2. Death Proof by Quentin Tarantino!

1. Blood Car by Alex Orr!

Alex Orr: I just, I can’t even believe I’m on the same stage as two of the most underrated and amazing actors of all time. Dream to Believe is probably my favorite movie, and was one of the hugest inspirations for Blood Car. Just, thank you both for everything. Oh, also my cast, including Anna Chlumsky. You’ve still got it, girl.

Stay tuned for this commercial break.

One of my personal favorite movies this year besides Ghost Rider was a little indie movie that could called Daddy Day Camp. Here to present the Award for Best Actress is Daddy Day Camp’s director, Fred Savage, and the star of Varsity Blues, Dawson Leery.

Fred: Hi, I’m Fred Savage.
James: And I’m James Van Der Beek and I’m about to punch you in the face.
Fred: We’re here to present the Award for Best Actress. Every year, this is a very tough category to choose. Acting comes very natural to women, since they are all born liars and cheats, so it can be difficult to pick only a few out of so many convincing performances.
James: Well, the Adolfs are generally based more on charm and attractiveness than talent and realism, anyway.
Fred: I don’t know, this year seems to be focused on

James: The nominees for Best Actress, listed from Least Best to Fucking Best, are:

10. Kelly MacDonald in No Country for Old Men!

9. Ellen Page in Juno!

8. Jodie Foster in The Brave One!

7. Bijou Phillips in Hostel 2!

6. Ashley Judd in Bug!

5. Amy Adams in Enchanted!

4. Christina Ricci in Black Snake Moan!

3. Lauren German in Hostel 2!

2. Amanda Bynes in Sydney White!

1. Lindsay Lohan in I Know Who Killed Me!

Lindsay: Oh fuck! Shit, uh, well I can’t help thinking that this is a little bit of a pity vote to make up for my insulting and undeserved Razzie wins. I mean, was I really more adequite than Amanda Bynes? Is that possible? I wanna thank my mom, Dina Lohan, and my sister, Ali Lohan, for all their support.

I kinda thought Christina Ricci should’ve won that. Her sleazy performance in an otherwise mediocre film kinda took me back to some of my own work, such as Con Air. Here to give out the Award for Best Short Film, please welcome back to the stage, Melissa Joan Hart and Rob Lowe.

Hi, I’m Melissa Joan Hart and I’m Rob Lowe.
Rob: Melissa, could you please explain to me what a short film is LOL?
Melissa: Good one, Rob Lowe.  The nominees are:

2. It’s a Wonderful Lohan by Michael Mouris!

1. Chocolade Haas by Sander Plug!


Sander: My favorite holiday is Easter, and I like fat girls.  Call me.

Consider yourself called, Sander. Coming up next, two of the finest musicians/actors to have ever caught my eye. Giving away the Best Cameo prize, here are Emma Bunton and Meat Loaf.

Emma: Now I know what to do the next time this happens!
Meat: What?
Emma: Wut are we doing here?!?! We could be drinkin’ magnumssss, and playing with my stuffed animals. But you might have to sit on the floor, mate.
Meat: Uh, alright, Emma. Well, my name is Meat Loaf, and I would do anything for the chance to read you this list of nominees for Best Cameo.

5. John Waters in Hairspray!

4. Jason Bateman in Smokin’ Aces!

3. Patton Oswalt in Balls of Fury!

2. Amy Sedaris in Romance & Cigarettes!

Emma: I hope I win.
Meat: I don’t believe you were in any movies this year, Emma.
Emma: Fingers crossed.

1. Paul Rudd, Jack Black, Justin Long, and Jason Schwartzman in Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story!

Justin: This Award is fucking awesome, thank you.
Jack: Thank you, Mtv Movie Awards!
Paul: Yes, thank you Mtv.  This little moon man bullshit with Hitler’s head on it will look great in my foyer.

I sure am happy about that one because I am a Beatlemaniac. And can we have Emma back to present the Adolf for every Award? Now hit me with your best shot, Michael Madsen and Tom Sizemore!

Hi I’m Michael Madsen and I’m Tom Sizemore.
Wait, no.  I’m Tom Sizemore.  I was in Species.
Yeah.  I was in Reservoir Dogs.

Did you just wink at me?
It’s from Star Wars.

The nominees for Best Trailer are as follows.

5. Bratz!

4. Don’t (from Grindhouse)!

3. The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters!

2. Alvin and the Chipmunks!
(this isn't actually the trailer I had in mind, but it still has the shit-eating joke, and that's what's important.)

1. Thanksgiving (from Grindhouse)!

Eli Roth: This is my best work since Cabin Fever.  I hope my next movie is equally as great.

I’ve got a boner with a capitol O for our next two presenters. Analyze That’s Robert De Niro and the cutest man who ever lived, gracious enough to fly out here from his home in Adorabletown, please welcome Adolf Hitler.

Robert: Hi, I’m Robert De Niro.
Adolf: And hi.  My name is Adolf Hitler.
Robert: May I just say, you look stunning.
Adolf: I’ve been working out.
Robert: The nominees for
Adolf: Lemme interrupt you for a minute. I’ll make this quick, but I just wanna say that the Academy Awards are fucking heinous cuntshit. We all hate them, right? And, you know, I don’t wanna make a big thing of it, but the Academy is overrun by Jews, you know, that’s just a fact.  And I don’t think it’s a coincidence.
Robert: I agree.
Adolf: Ok, anyway, und nominees for Best Poster are:

5. Grindhouse!

4. Black Snake Moan!

3. Ghost Rider!

2. Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters!

1. Alvin and the Chipmunks!

The Chipmunks: Thanks, Dave!

Back when I was working on my film Peggy Sue Got Married, I was introduced to a fine young gentleman named Harvey Keitel, and Bijou Phillips.

Harvey: Hi, I’m Harvey Keitel.
Bijou: Hello.  I’m Bijou Phillips.
Harvey: My favorite movie is The Land Before Time, but that was not made in 2007.
Bijou: My favorite movie is Bully.  And Apollo 13.
Harvey: The nominees for Best Family or Teen Movie are:

5. TMNT by Kevin Munroe!

4. Ratatouille by Brad Bird!

3. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by David Yates!

2. Sydney White by Joe Nussbaum!

1. Bratz by Sean McNamara!

The Bratz: OMG I can’t believe we totally won, I can’t wait to post this on MySpace!  LOL thank you so much.

Congratulations, girls. And if you ever need someone to buy you alcohol, you give me a ring, and I’ll get you as drunk as my character in Leaving Las Vegas. Coming up next, prepare to be dazzled by the presenters for Best Actor, Crispin Glover and Gary Coleman.

Crispin: Hello.  My name is Crispin Hellion Glover.
Gary: And hi, I’m Gary Coleman, star of The Kid with the 200 I.Q., and The Kid with the Broken Halo.
Crispin: It’s… a pleasure.  To be here.
Gary: Well, you know what they say!  Whatchu talkin’ about, nominees for Best Actor.

10. Crispin Glover in Simon Says!

9. Bruce Willis in Live Free or Die Hard!

8. John C. Reilly in Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story!

7. James Marsden in Hairspray!

6. Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men!

5. Michael Cera in Juno!

4. Nick Frost in Hot Fuzz!

3. Joe Lo Truglio in Superbad!

2. Nick Swardson in Blades of Glory!

1. Michael Cera in Superbad!

Michael: This is, wow, um, so amazing. I don’t even know what to say, really. So… I’m just gonna stand here and look adorable for a few minutes.

That kid’s adorableness has left me speechless.  Let’s take a commercial break.

Welcome back.  Presenting for Best Costume Design, here are Countess Vaughn and Robert Carradine.

Countess: This is a cool porty.
Robert: It is, yeah.  I’m having an alright time.
Countess: You porty much, girl?
Robert: No.
Countess: O-kay, for Best Costume Design, we got just one nominee.

Blades of Glory!

Will Ferrell and Jon Heder: THANKS.

No problemo, man.  Let’s hear it for my good friend Clint Howard, and his uncle or something, Michael Pare.

Clint: The bitch is back!  Huh?  Did you all miss me?
Michael: Hi, I’m Michael Paré.
Clint: Did you know, Michael, that I presented nearly every category at last year’s Adolfs?
Michael: Yes.
Clint: Lemme show you how you do it, in case you’re ever invited back.  The nominee for Best Musical is:

2. Enchanted by Kevin Lima!

1. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street by Tim Burton!

Tim: Since this is, after all, a win for Best Musical, I am choosing to make my acceptance speech in the form of a music video. Enjoy.

One of my first movies was a little ditty called Vampire’s Kiss. Here are legendary director Uwe Boll and legendary actor Zack Ward to present another Award.

Uwe: Hello, I am Uwe Boll.
Zack: And I’m ZACK and I think you’re all fucking beautiful and I wanna take a picture of all your faces and stare at them while drinking gallons of my own cum that I’ve been saving up and then I wanna toss Uwe’s salad so fucking hard his rectum fucking prolapses, and then I’m gonna finger the extended
Uwe: Ah, ok.  Let’s get perhaps to the nominees.
Zack: Yeah, shit, ok.  These are great movies from this year.  I love it.  I love it, man.  I love it.
Uwe: The nominess for Best Crime, Thriller, or Western are:

5. 3:10 to Yuma by James Mangold!

4. Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead by Sidney Lumet!

3. The Lookout by Scott Frank!

2. Bug by William Friedkin!

1. No Country for Old Men by the Coen Brothers!

Joel: Wow, yeah, this is the coolest thing we’ve won since
Ethan: Since the Oscars, I guess. The other night.
Joel: Yeah.  Yeah, since the Oscars.

This is actually the second Adolfs in a row where the winner for Best Crime or Thriller has also been the winner for Best Picture at the Oscars. I guess the Oscars aren’t actually all that appaling? Shit, man, I’m starting to feel a little dehydrated, I have GOT to admit. Here for Best Soundtrack or Score, are Robert Englund and Roberta Collins.

Robert: Hi, I’m TV’s Robert Englund.
Roberta: And I’m once of the hottest girls of the 70’s, Roberta Collins.
Robert: Every year, songs or scores are written that are sometimes good.
Roberta: And so the nominees for Best Soundtrack or possibly even Best Score are,

3. Music and Lyrics!

2. There Will Be Blood by Johnny Greenwood!

1. Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story!

Dewey Cox: This is a great honor.  Thank you, Art Garfunkel.  Thank you, Gretchen Mol.  Roy Orbison.  Everyone.

I’m a little nervous about these next presenters.  Please welcome my ex-wife and her new husband, Pam Grier and Chris Elliott.

Pam: Hi, I’m Pam Grier and this is Christ Elliott.  I think we’ve got some shit tonight that’s gonna fuck you up!
Chris: Indeed. Every year, this is my favorite category, and I am truly honored to have been chosen to present it.
Pam: We ain’t got any nominees this year.  Just one winner for the Best Naked Knife Fight in the Shower.

Eastern Promises by David Cronenberg!

David Cronenberg: You know, I was fortunate enough to see a workprint of Bratz, and they originally had a naked knife fight as well, but it was cut from the final product in order to get a PG rating. So I guess for once the MPAA has worked in my favor. Thank you, Jack Valenti.

So, my throat is starting to constrict. I may have to take a break for awhile, and I’m gonna have to hand over hosting duties temporarily to my little brother, Little Nicolas. But first here are a couple actors I’ve never heard of.

Bill: Hi, I’m Bill Murray.
Johnny: And I’m Johnny Depp.
Bill/Johnny: And we are here to present the Award for Best Documentary.
Johnny: The nominees
Bill: for Best Documentary
Johnny: are

3. Crazy Love by Dan Klores!

2. Confessions of a Superhero by Matthew Ogens!

1. The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters by Seth Gordon!

Billy Mitchell: Thank you, I deserve this.

Little Nicolas: Settle down! I’m taking over for awhile because my brother has asthma. And bronchitis. And AIDS. I’ve never hosted an Awards show before, so I’m just gonna bring on the next guests, my big buddy Pauly Shore and the host of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?, Clint Eastwood.

Pauly: Hi, I’m Pau
Clint: I’m Clint Eastwood.
Pauly: Uh, the nomin
Clint: Best Intro.

5. Postal by Uwe Boll!

4. Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters by Matt Maiellaro and Dave Willis!

3. Music and Lyrics by Marc Lawrence!

2. The Host by Bong Joon-ho!

Clint: And the Adolf goes to Bio-Dome.  Heh.  Just kidding.

1. Shoot ‘Em Up by Michael Davis!

Clive Owen: So much for wearing your seatbelt.

Little Nicolas: That was fantastic! I’m feeling good, kinda like my big brother’s performance in Gone in 60 Seconds. Please welcome to the stage Jessica Walter and David Krumholtz, presenting the Award for Best Cinematography.

Jessica: Hello, David.
David: Hello, Jessica.  You look exquisite tonight.
Jessica: Thank you, David.  You know what else looks exquisite, are many of the films that came out this year.
David: That’s right, but none of them are going to be acknowledged tonight. Instead, we are Awarding a very Special Acheivement in Cinematography, Within a Single Shot.

Bratz!

John Travolta: Thank you, this is a great honor. I wanna thank my mother, my wife, the Bratz, and of course, Hitler. Thank you.

Little Nicolas: I’m a fan of dramatic films, as you may have seen already. So it brings me great thrills to bring to the stage a brilliant man who knows no boundaries, and the woman who got me through the 90’s. Nathan Fillion and Alicia Silverstone.

Nathan: Dramas can be good, and dramas can be boring.  Hi.  I’m Nathan Fillion.
Alicia: And I just so happen to be Alicia Silverstone.  The following dramas were fucking great.
Nathan: And the nominees are,

4. Rescue Dawn by Werner Herzog!

3. Margot at the Wedding by Noah Baumbach!

2. The Darjeeling Limited by Wes Anderson!

1. It Is Fine! EVERYTHING IS FINE. by Crispin Hellion Glover and David Brothers!

Crispin: NO!

Little Nicolas: Hey.  Please give it up for Hollywood’s own Power Couple, Brittany Murphy and Matthew Lillard.

Brittany: Hiiiiiii, Matthew!
Matthew: Hey, Brittany.
Brittany: What are we presenting?
Matthew: BEST COUPLE, I’m freaking out.  It could be us!
Brittany: This is awesome.
Matthew: The nominees are,

5. Christian Bale and Steve Zahn in Rescue Dawn!

4. Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti in Shoot ‘Em Up!

3. Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore in Music and Lyrics!

2. Russell Crowe and Christian Bale in 3:10 to Yuma!

1. Will Arnett and Amy Poehler in Blades of Glory!

Will: Russell and Christian were pretty adorable together in 3:10 to Yuma.
Amy: So, what?  You wanna give up this fucking Award to them or something?
Will: I didn’t say that.
Amy: Fucking pussy.

Nicolas: I’m feeling better.
Little Nicolas: I’m gonna stick around onstage for awhile if you don’t mind.
Nicolas: I hardly think that’s appropriate.
Little Nicolas: The next two presenters changed my life.
Nicolas: Get off the stage, Little Nicolas.
Little Nicolas: You get off the stage.
Nicolas: Here are Devon Sawa and
Litle Nicolas: And Adolf Award winner for Greatest Performance from Any Movie Ever, Rosie O’Donnell.

Devon: Rosie.
Rosie: Devon.
Devon: The nominees are.
Rosie: for Best Comedy Movie.

5. Blades of Glory by Josh Gordon and Will Speck!

4. Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story by Jake Kasdan!

3. Music and Lyrics by Marc Lawrence!

2. Knocked Up by Judd Apatow!

1. Superbad by Greg Mottola!

Michael Cera: I didn’t see this coming.
Jonah Hill: What the fuck do you mean you didn’t fucking see this coming? Knocked Up wasn’t half as fucking good as our movie was! We fucking earned this.
Christopher Mintz-Plasse: Totally, Michael.  What’s wrong with you?
Michael: I’m sorry.

Little Nicolas: Why were Devon Sawa and Rosie O’Donnell so awkward together?
Nicolas: That’s none of your business, Little Nicolas.
Little Nicolas: They were really uncomfortable to watch.
Nicolas: We haven’t had a commercial break in awhile.  Let’s cut to one of those.

Little Nicolas: And I’m back. Here to present the Award for Best Action Movie are two of the stars of the Greatest Movie To Have Ever Existed, Kyle MacLachlan and Elizabeth Berkley!

Kyle: Hi, I’m Kyle MacLachlan.
Elizabeth: Hi, I’m Elizabeth Berkley.
Kyle: So, what have you been up to?
Elizabeth: Not a lot, unfortunately. I made a movie this year called Black Widow that doesn’t seem to have gotten any kind of release yet. I’ve also been learning to have more confidence, and accept that my performance in Showgirls was, in fact, totally fucking brilliant, and not horrible as so many people have claimed.
Kyle: It’s about damn time for that, certainly.
Elizabeth: And, uh, now I’m here.
Kyle: Would you like a lapdance?
Elizabeth: I’d love one.
Kyle: The nominees for Best Action film are,

5. The Condemned by Scott Wiper!

4. Hot Fuzz by Edgar Wright!

3. Transformers by Michael Bay!

2. Live Free or Die Hard by Len Wiseman!

1. Shoot ‘Em Up by Michael Davis!

Michael: Thank you, Kyle and Liz.  It’s nice to see you’ve still got chemistry.  Thanks, everyone else.

I am burdened to report that my little brother, Little Nicolas, has been killed. I’m sorry. Here to give away the Award for Best Horror Movie, please keep it in your pants for Ann-Margret and Martin Sheen.

Ann: What did you eat for dinner tonight, Martin Sheen?
Martin: It’s a little embarassing.  But, uh, ravioli.
Ann: I ate a turkey bird!
Martin: Heh.  I know.
Ann: The nominees for my favorite category are,

5. Hostel 2 by Eli Roth!

4. The Mist by Frank Darabont!

3. Planet Terror by Robert Rodriguez!

2. Halloween by Rob Zombie!

1. Hatchet by Adam Green!

Victor Crowley: Thank you, John Carl Buechler, and thank you, Dee Snider.

And now here we are at the end of our show. I’ve been a tremendous host. Before we go, I just wanna bring up Adaptation., National Treasure, Honeymoon In Vegas, and Moonstruck. And now, before you put on your DVD of Valley Girl again, I could not be more proud to bring out the presenters for Best Fucking Film. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Linda Blair and Shelley Duvall!

Linda: Hi, Shelley!
Shelley: Am I hosting?
Linda: No, honey.  You didn’t win.
Shelley: Thank you for coming, everyone!
Linda: You look really good tonight.  Who are you wearing?
Shelley: It’s made from horse fur!
Linda: No way!  I love horses!  No wonder I love your outfit so much.
Shelley: It’s vintage.  Hey Linda, who do you think is gonna win for Best Fucking Film right now?
Linda: I really don’t know, Shelley.
Shelley: I heard No Country for Old Men is very good.
Linda: I really liked Sydney White.
Shelley: I have a crush on Michael Cera from Superbad.
Linda: Well, you’re only human, sweetie.
Shelley: Let’s announce the nominees!
Linda: Ok.
Shelley: Together, ok?
Linda/Shelley: And the nominees for Best Fucking Film Of All Time Ever That Was Released In 2007, listed in descending order of greatness, are,

15. Knocked Up by Judd Apatow!

14. Bug by William Friedkin!

13. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street by Tim Burton!

12. The Darjeeling Limited by Wes Anderson!

11. No Country for Old Men by Joel and Ethan Coen!

10. Planet Terror/Grindhouse by Robert Rodriguez/Robert Rodriguez, Eli Roth, Edgar Wright, Rob Zombie, and Quentin Tarantino!

9. Sydney White by Joe Nussbaum!

8. Music and Lyrics by Marc Lawrence!

7. Bratz by Sean MacNamara!

6. Halloween by Rob Zombie!

5. Hatchet by Adam Green!

4. The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters by Seth Gordon!

3. Shoot ‘Em Up by Michael Davis!

2. Superbad by Greg Mottola!

1. It Is Fine!  EVERYTHING IS FINE. by Crispin Hellion Glover and David Brothers!

Crispin: Thank you for this. But I don’t want to waste too much time on thank yous. I need to first apologize for my refusal to put this film on DVD. Especially now that it’s won such a prestigious Award, I know demand to see it will be high, and so, I’m sorry for not meeting those demands.

Goodnight, ladies.